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I should warn you, this section is turning out to be more paraphrasing, and less "funny"/"abridging". That's because this section sucks monkey balls and is boring as hell. Sorry about that.

GOD.DAMN. CUTS NOT WORKING. RAGE.



Scene One: In which there is a lot of info dumping and so on.

That One Guy #1: All the King is doing is moping and being an emo bastard. Not again.

That One Guy #2: What happened this time?

That One Guy #1: The King was planning on marrying his his daughter (and only heir) to her step-brother, and son of the Queen.... But then she got married to a guy who's not her step-brother, and now her brother is banished, he's imprisoned, and the King is acting really depressed, but I think it's just that he hasn't been taking his meds.

That One Guy #2: YAY INFO DUMPS! Why's the King emo?

That One Guy #1: Because his daughter's married someone ~unworthy~. Also the Queen wanted the match, but nope. Anyway, it's making all the other courtiers sad too, but they're mostly annoyed that Posty is gone. Poor guy.

That One Guy #2: Why?

That One Guy #1: Well... No one really likes the guy who was supposed to marry the Princess, and the guy that did marry her... Everyone loved him. Oh, he was very popular That One Guy #2. The joustos, the horseheads, scribes, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads - they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude.

That One Guy #2: You're talking really nice about this guy.

That One Guy #1: 'Cuz he's awesome.

That One Guy #2: What's his name and shit like that?

That One Guy #1: His father's dead. He died in a war. His brother's also died in the war. They all died before Posthumus was born. Then his mother died right after he was born. Everyone in his family was dead. Like dead dead. Deceased, kicked the bucket, ceased to be, etc. Then, because the dudes in the family died fighting in a war for the King, the King adopted Posthumus, and named him that because he was the only one left alive. But, he was so superspecialawesomemegafoxyhawt that the Princess eventually fell in love with him, and was willing to deal with any consequences, as long as she got to marry him.

That One Guy #2: That's rough buddy. D: But he sounds awesome just from hearing about him. And she's the King's only heir?

That One Guy #1: Yep. I mean, the Princess had two older brothers, once, but when the older brother was in his terrible threes, the two of them were kidnapped, and no one ever saw them again. And no one knows where they are or anything? And no one ever found out.

That One Guy #2: How long ago was this? O_o

That One Guy #1: Twenty years ago.

That One Guy #2: What. The. Fuck. The King's son's have been missing for twenty years. TWO OF THEM. And no one has been able to find them?

That One Guy #1: Yep. I know that's hard to swallow, but that's what happened. DEAL. WITH. IT.

That One Guy #2: Fine! Fine! I believe you!

That One Guy #1: CHANGING THE SUBJECT, here comes the Queen, the Princess, and the Dude now!
That One Guy #2: Let's bounce.

They: Bounce
Enter: The Queen, The Princess, and The Dude
The Queen: So, you know the stories where the stopmother is totally an evil villain, who tries to hurt, ruin and kill their stepchild and all that? I am totally not like that at all. FYI. I am not a villain. You're my prisoner here, but I'm gonna totally give you the keys. So, remember that. And you, step-son-in-law-who's-name-I-can't-remember, I'm going to advocate for you to the King, and try to quiet the fires inside of him, so that it will all be good in the end. And remember, I am most definitely not a villain.

Posthumus: Yes your highness.

The Queen: You all know what's at stake, you're not even supposed to be talking. But I know you're hurting- and remember, I'm not a villain.
Exit: The Queen

Imogen: OH WOAH IS ME~ MY FATHER IS A HORRIBLE TYRANT, AND MY HUSBAND, OH MY HUSBAND! You may live, Posthumus, but WOAH IS ME, I have to live here with my father's angry eyes stalking me. I will know that you are out in the world, and that is a small comfort.

Posthumus: OH MY LADY LOVE! Stop talking to me, or I will cry too much, and people will think I'm a pussy. I will always be your beloved husband FOREVER even when I'm in ROME and I will WRITE TO YOU and you will WRITE TO ME and I will sob with my TEARS of ANGUISH about the letters you are writing to me!
Enter: The Queen

The Queen: Lovebirds~ You need to hurry the hell up~ If the king comes, you will piss him off. [aside] But I'm totally going to have him walk this way, so that he'll think I can't do anything wrong!

Exit: The Queen. Again.
Posthumus: I must leave you! But I don't want to! WOAAAAAAAH!

Imogen: Stay a little bit longer! It's not like we're tempting fate, or anything! Here, take this diamond ring that was my mother's, and use it to woo another lady if I die.

Posthumus: ARE YOU CRAZY WOMAN! I will le'never woo another lady in my life, and I will only stop loving you with my death. [puts on bling] And now, because I'm leaving you, I have a manacle for you, beautiful prisoner! It's actually a bracelet, but manacle sounds sexier, yes?

Imogen: Hell yes. When will we see each other again!
Enter: The King and Random Lords

Posthumus: Oh shit the King.

Cymbeline: Stupid son-of-a-bitch! Didn't I tell you to go the fuck away? You're poisoning ma blood! And by blood I mean daughter.

Posthumus: Let you and all the chill folks in the court be protected by the gods. Posthumus has left the building.

Exit: Posthumus
Imogen: Not even death can hurt more than this. /is emo

Cymbeline: You're way to disloyal to me. I mean, really? You ow me youth, given how much I've prematurely aged because of you!

Imogen: Please don't be haten' father! And don't hurt yourself. I mean, I haven't really done anything to deserve it...

Cymbeline: Where'd all your obedience go?

Imogen: I GREW UP.

Cymbeline: Why couldn't you have just joined in semi/faux-incestuous relationship with your creepy step-brother? I mean really.

Imogen: I chose the EAGLE OF DREAMS instead of the penguin of awkwardness.

Cymbeline: HE'S A PEASANT, YOU'RE A PRINCESS! You are going to RUIN the THRONE.

Imogen: Nope, I made it shinier! ♥

Cymbeline: You vile daughter!

Imogen: Oi, Dad, who's bright idea was it to raise Posthumus as my friend since childhood?

Cymbeline: So this is ALL my fault, is it?

Imogen: Uh... Yeah! Dammit! I wish I was just a cowherd's daughter, and my ♥Darling Beloved♥ was the son of our neighbor, who was conveniently a goatherd's son.

Enter: The Queen
Cymbeline: You're a foolish fool! [To the Queen] Oi, wife! She was talking with her boy-toy again, and we said that was Not Okay. How can we be a united front if you keep undermining my authoritay? LOCK MY DAUGHTER UP.

The Queen: Let's all stay calm!

Cymbeline: I AM FINE.

Exit: The King, and Lords. Yeah, they were there. The WHOLE time.
The Queen: Here's Pisanio, conveniently he's Posthumus's servent! What's the stitch?

Pisanio: So, your son attacked my master. Just so you know...

The Queen: And no one was hurt?

Pisanio: Well, it could have happened, but my master was playing around and there were random gentlemen hanging around who separated them.

The Queen: That's good. *coughandI'mnotavillaincough*

Imogen: Dammit! My creepy step-brother is my father's Bffle, so he tried to hurt my ♥~True Love~♥. I wish they were in the desert fighting each other, including me with a needle so I could stab people. Or something. This part's really unclear...

Pisanio: Welp, my master wanted me to be your servant now, so... Employ me plzkthnx.

The Queen: Sure.

Pisanio: Score.

The Queen: Let's walk around a little while.

Imogen: Pisanio, talk to me in half an hour, okay? I want you to see my lord off, please? For now, just... LEAVE ME ALONE TO SUFFER IN MY PAIN. No one around here understands me. /sob

Exit: The Queen, The Princess and Pisanio
End of: Act One: Scene One


 



Note: This play has Decapitation, misogynistic language and a guy wanting to rape his step-sister, among other things. The abridged version will have those things as well. Please read at your own discretion. ♥
Comment wherever you like. :) I'm going to be working mostly from DW, though, but really, whatever is easiest for you you all. <3

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